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2012 Wish List (So Far)

  1   My wife Martha remains beautiful

 2   Speaker John Bercow resigns after parliamentary scandal, Sally stays with him.

 3   All one-day cricket fixtures are cancelled in favour of two more Test matches (against South Africa)

 4   Prince Charles relinquishes his right to the throne, emigrates to, say, Peru

 5.  A deadly virus wipes out grey squirrels, magpies and wood pigeons

 6   Media companies sign a comtract to curtail coverage of unknown ‘celebrities’

 7   Police investigate Tony and Cherie Blair and Cliff Richard (for something serious)

 8   Ed Milliband is ousted from the Labour leadership, replaced by his brother David  

 9   Britain, some European states (ex-France, Germany and Scotland) leave EU to join US, Canada in new Atlantic trading alliance

10  A deadly virus wipes out Facebook and other social networks

11  Sir Bruce Forsyth, Sir Alex Ferguson, Baroness Uddin, Fiona Bruce and Ricky Gervais retire  (A more complete list is available upon request)

12  The West Indies discover two brilliant 6’5” fast bowlers

13.  Britain scraps its ‘independent’ nuclear deterrent (may be incompatible with 9)

14.  My putative son-in-law gives up racing Triumph Spitfires, finds new hobby

15   Britain wins more Olympic gold medals than France and Australia combined

16   The Olympics are cancelled

17   British rail and bus services are renationalized (to be operated by Switzerland)

18   Television repeats of The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven and The Sound of Music are suspended for 5 years

19   Newt Gingrich is caught in a new extra-marital affair; Mitt Romney is found to have three wives

20   Chewing gum is made liable for 500 per cent VAT

21   Grammar, history and social etiquette become compulsory school curricular subjects

22   A deadly virus wipes out mink

23   English police uniforms revert to collar-and-tie

24   Top Gear is dropped from the television schedule, permanently

25   Littering and fly-tipping become punishable by tariffs with solitary confinement

26   The House of Lords becomes an elected chamber of 100

27   English courtrooms eliminate wigs during proceedings

28   National anthems preceding sporting events are abolished

29   El Vino on Fleet Street receives a Grade I listing

30   Coca Cola and Pepsi are found to contain seriously harmful additives

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