1 My wife Martha remains beautiful
2 Speaker John Bercow resigns after parliamentary scandal, Sally stays with him.
3 All one-day cricket fixtures are cancelled in favour of two more Test matches (against South Africa)
4 Prince Charles relinquishes his right to the throne, emigrates to, say, Peru
5. A deadly virus wipes out grey squirrels, magpies and wood pigeons
6 Media companies sign a comtract to curtail coverage of unknown ‘celebrities’
7 Police investigate Tony and Cherie Blair and Cliff Richard (for something serious)
8 Ed Milliband is ousted from the Labour leadership, replaced by his brother David
9 Britain, some European states (ex-France, Germany and Scotland) leave EU to join US, Canada in new Atlantic trading alliance
10 A deadly virus wipes out Facebook and other social networks
11 Sir Bruce Forsyth, Sir Alex Ferguson, Baroness Uddin, Fiona Bruce and Ricky Gervais retire (A more complete list is available upon request)
12 The West Indies discover two brilliant 6’5” fast bowlers
13. Britain scraps its ‘independent’ nuclear deterrent (may be incompatible with 9)
14. My putative son-in-law gives up racing Triumph Spitfires, finds new hobby
15 Britain wins more Olympic gold medals than France and Australia combined
16 The Olympics are cancelled
17 British rail and bus services are renationalized (to be operated by Switzerland)
18 Television repeats of The Great Escape, The Magnificent Seven and The Sound of Music are suspended for 5 years
19 Newt Gingrich is caught in a new extra-marital affair; Mitt Romney is found to have three wives
20 Chewing gum is made liable for 500 per cent VAT
21 Grammar, history and social etiquette become compulsory school curricular subjects
22 A deadly virus wipes out mink
23 English police uniforms revert to collar-and-tie
24 Top Gear is dropped from the television schedule, permanently
25 Littering and fly-tipping become punishable by tariffs with solitary confinement
26 The House of Lords becomes an elected chamber of 100
27 English courtrooms eliminate wigs during proceedings
28 National anthems preceding sporting events are abolished
29 El Vino on Fleet Street receives a Grade I listing
30 Coca Cola and Pepsi are found to contain seriously harmful additives
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