Football Results

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Here are today’s latest football results and match summaries.

Iceland 2-1 England          

(England eliminated from Euro16)

 European Union 0-0 United Kingdom  

(Extra time being played)

 Remain Campaign 1-2 Leave Campaign  

(Result subject to appeal)

Boris Johnson 1-1 Teresa May 

(Match delayed by ineligible players on field) 

Shadow Cabinet 12-0 Jeremy Corbyn  

(Result subject to appeal)

Pound Sterling 0-0  Euro . 

(After extra time; game to be replayed at future date)

 Scotland 5-0 England

(England eliminated from United Kingdom)  

 Wales v England

(Match postponed due to lack of interest)

The shock of the day so far, ladies and gentlemen, and it’s official, is that Iceland has knocked England out of the European 2016 Championship.  Iceland has a population of only 320,000 (including seals) and England 55 million (including 54.9 million persons of foreign extraction), so England’s professionals should have been too much for Iceland’s part-timers.  England may have been confused by the multi-syllabic Scandinavian surnames on their opponents’ shirts.  They certainly seemed bemused by something.  England’s manager Roy Hodgson resigned immediately after the game, saying that although he was ‘disappointed’ he and his coaching staff had done a great job.  He added that the players had “done everything that has been asked of them” (except, one is tempted to observe, win a single important game in this tournament, or a major tournament of any kind in the last 60 years).

The long-awaited and hotly contested clash between the EU and the UK was still scoreless going into extra time.  The match has proved to be a disappointment, lacking in skill or style.  It has been a bad-tempered match, too, a goalless draw perhaps the fairest result.  (For goalless, also read soulless.)  The rivalry is likely to continue, on and off the field.

The same might be said of the Remain versus Leave match, another feisty affair, one that the match officials at times found impossible to control.  Neither side ever looked like scoring a winner, although both came close to scoring own-goals.  A rematch seems likely, although the public may by then have lost its appetite for another round.

In the Tory leadership challenge Cup, Boris Johnson dominated the first half but Teresa May came back strongly just before the break.  After that, several ineligible players had run onto the field, the security officials slow off the mark in ushering them off.  A match ‘too close to call’, say the bookies, although they, like the pollsters, seem to have lost their touch of late.

In an embarrassingly one-sided affair, the Shadow Cabinet trounced Jeremy Corbyn, scoring goals with ease against a gallant but utterly outclassed defence.  What can be said, in fairness, is that the Corbynistas never lost their resolve, even though the result seemed a foregone conclusion from the opening whistle.

The pound sterling has a long history of displaying great resolve in the face of adversity and in the latest challenge by the euro has shown great resilience.  The Euro has its own problems, too, so the replay necessary as a result of their goalless draw here today will be a match-up between two struggling and uninspired teams.

A rampant Scotland thoroughly beat England in their friendly warm-up match, which makes the Scots all the more keen to have a rematch with a substantial trophy at stake.  The Jocks are cock-a-hoop right now and England will have to improve significantly to have any chance of prevailing in any new match-up.