So, now we know.
Donald Trump wants rapprochement with Kim Jong-un so that the Trump Organization can build condominiums in North Korea.
The President told Kim in Singapore that a stretch of North Korean coastline, with its fine sandy beaches – currently used as missile-launching facilities, soon to be demolished – would make an ideal site for leisure developments. Never mind all that geo-political stuff, Trump seemed to be saying, let’s go build condos.
Trump: “So look here, Kim – is it okay if I call you Kim? – let’s get down to cases here. Get rid of those nukes like you’ve promised and we’ll put up something really interesting instead. Like luxury holiday homes. That’s a terrific idea, if I say so myself. You’ve got everything we need: great scenery, beautiful coastline, and above all cheap labour. I wish ours was as cheap, let me tell you. I hear the broads up your way are pretty good, too. Call me Donald, by the way. And I’ll call you Kim. I’ve called you a damned sight worse, ha, ha!”
Translator: “The beloved Chairman notes your comments with interest.”
Trump: “Look, let’s face it, Kim, I know a bit about real estate. It’s what I do. And I do it pretty damn well, believe me, made a fortune ten times over. This political business, you know, leader of the free world and all that, is not what I wanted in the first place. Here’s the good news, though: it’s only temporary. Property, that’s my real calling – can’t wait to get back to it, believe me.”
Translator: “The Magnificent Chairman might be interested in knowing how much investment America is prepared to make in our country.”
Trump: “Might be interested! Kim, my friend, this is a golden opportunity for the two of us … I mean of course for our two respective countries. Luxury hotels, condominiums, golf courses, the sky’s the limit. I bet North Korea doesn’t have a single golf course. We can turn this sh…. I mean place, into one of the world’s great vacation destinations.”
Translator: “Do you play golf, President Trump, Omnipotent Chairman wishes to know?”
Trump: “Sure I do, all the time. Listen, I spend more time on the golf course than I do in the Oval Office. It drives the media wild with envy time I tee off. To hell with ‘em, I say.”
Translator: “What is Oval Office, please?”
Trump: “It’s in the White House. It’s my office, where I work. It’s oval-shaped, like an egg. Don’t ask me why. It’s a terrible place to work. I’m surrounded by idiots. Some of them want me out, I don’t mind telling you. Bet it’s the same for you, Kim. C’mon, you can tell me. That’s why you’ve had all those relatives killed, isn’t it? Hey, I’m not blaming you, believe me. Wish I could do the same to some of mine. I’d start with that Jared Kushner. Everyone in Washington is out to get me. Let ‘em try, I say. Anyway, even if they succeed, which I doubt, I’ll just go straight back to making zillions in real estate. I’d love to build a Trump Tower in Ping Pong, or whatever your capital is called. Of course, we’d call it Kim Tower, to honour the Chairman.”
Translator: “You mean our fine people’s capital Pyong Yang?”
Trump: “Yeah, that’s the place. No offence, but little birds tell me it could use a little brightening up. C’mon, let’s put our cards on the table here. We have dumps too. You haven’t seen Detroit. The place should be blown up. I’m just joking, of course. I’ll bet your Ying Yang has plenty of space for a casino. Now there’s a money-spinner. It’d make a fortune believe me, especially if your people are like those Chinese people. They bet on everything. In Beijing I bet they even bet on when that old rascal Xi is likely to kick the bucket – secretly, of course. Even as we sit here right now, they’re probably betting right on which one of us will walk out of this meeting. Maybe we should both walk out, just for a laugh.”
Translator: “Please to explain kicking bucket.”
Trump: “It means dying – kicking the bucket, as we say in the States.”
Translator: “Wonderful Chairman wants to know if kicking buckets is a popular American sport.”
Trump: “Yeah, I’m afraid it is. Too many old folk, you see. Dying’s not for me, though. I’m going to have myself cryogenically preserved, come back in a hundred years. By then North Korea could be the Playground of the East – maybe even bigger than Vegas. It’s possible, believe me. Everything’s possible. Look at us, sitting here now!”
Translator: “Great Chairman says all very interesting, but now perhaps we should work on the joint bulletin.”
Trump. “Aw, never mind the silly bulletin, all that boring stuff. We can make it up as we go along. Anyway, my people are talking to your people. They’ll get it done in no time at all. I think someone scribbled a few lines on the trip over. Hey, I could jot it all down on my napkin right here, believe me.”
Translator: “Immortal Chairman says thank you for your time, Mr President, and for all your kind offers. He will give great attention to all that you have said. It has been a pleasure to meet you.”
Trump: “The honour is all mine, believe me. We’ll talk some more, and soon, very soon, believe me. Maybe at my place in Florida – a great little spread. It’ll knock your socks off. You’ll get to meet Melania, too. She’s a great dame – and great looking, too. Like your sister. I bet your sister is something else. Oh, I’m being told we have to break for the official banquet.”
Kim: “Anyone around here know what’s for lunch? I’m so famished I could eat a dog.”