Overheard on Air Force One.
“Will someone tell me about this Wailing Wall I’m told I gotta kiss? I bet it’s the one the Israelis built to keep the Palestinians out? If it is, I’ll be glad to kiss it. I’ll screw the goddamned thing, if it comes to that. While we’re there maybe we’ll pick up a few tips about our wall. I guess they call it Wailing Wall because all those Muslims trying to get in start sobbing when they figure out they can’t. That’s what I wanna hear from those Mexicans back home. Boo-hoo, boo-hoo. That’ll be a sweet sound, dontcha think? All those wetbacks wailing their little heads off. And the Democrats.
“I’m sure glad we’re outta that Saudi Arabia. What a shit-hole. And I’ve never been so damned hot. Even in Florida. It’s okay for those sand niggers with their white robes. I had to wear a suit. It’s pretty much ruined now, with sweat stains all over. And my poor little Melania, I feel sorry for her. All she wanted was to sit by the pool in her bikini. Instead she has to hang around for days in long black dresses. Talk about stinkin’, that place. And nobody could get a goddamned drink. Not that I care. At least they had diet Coke. I wouldn’t have set foot in the place but those guys are gonna buy shit-loads of military stuff – planes, guns, ammo. Worth billions. Billions! Keep our factories busy for years. I just wish they weren’t all in California. Hate to give so many jobs to those liberals. Still, there’s no fake news here. Real stuff. Just jobs, loads of jobs – just like I promised the American people. By the way, make sure that idiot Spicer gets all this into his press briefing tomorrow, or he’ll forget. He’d forget his mother’s name if nobody thought to remind him.
“Christ, I’m not looking forward to meeting that Netan…. Netanya …. What the hell is his name anyway? God, does he go on, or what? Bloody Palestinians this, and Iran that, and how we’re supposed to sort out all their problems because they can’t. I’d move the lot of ‘em to New York if I could. At least they’d find something useful to do there. I could sell ‘em real estate, for a start. The Jews love real estate, let me tell you. I don’t know why we bother with all this Middle East shit. Israel and Palestine could sort this mess out in a heartbeat if they tried real hard. Rocket science it’s not, let me tell you. I should bang a few heads together. As it is, I’ve gotta make stupid speeches about America’s commitment to Israel and keeping the peace. How the hell we’re supposed to do both I’ve no idea.
“By the way, what do I have to wear to see the Pope? I hear he’s one cool dude. No ceremony. No pomp. Suits me just fine. No pomp for Trump. That’s catchy. Can we use it? No pomp for Trump. I like that. Still, I suppose Melania is gonna have to wear those goddamned long black suits again. With legs like that it’s a shame. I’m sure the Pope wouldn’t mind getting a little peek at them. Don’t suppose there’s too many shapely legs around the Vatican. Except men’s. She should be wearing one of her maxi-minis. That would knock his socks off, I bet. She can’t wait to get back to the Apple. Just about had it with Muslims, Jews and Catholics and all that historical stuff. That’s why she likes America, so much. You don’t have to know stuff. Not even if you’re First Lady. Come to think of it, that’s what I like about it, too. Jeez, I could use a cheeseburger. And some tomato ketchup.
“What’s on television? No time? We’re landing soon. It was hardly worth taking off ….”