- January: President Donald Trump resigns after special prosecutor Mueller finds evidence of collusion in the 2016 election, not only with President Putin of Russia but also with alleged Cook County Mafia boss Luigi ‘The Fix’ Macaroni. Vice President Mike Pence takes over as President and pledges to ‘Make America Christian Again’. Speaker Paul Ryan takes Pence’s old job.
- February: Pope Francis convenes the College of Cardinals to elect a new Pontiff after renouncing the Christian faith as ‘nothing but a childish fairy tale’ in which he no longer believes. The cardinals, after a mandatory reading of the Robert Harris novel ‘Conclave’ elect the first transsexual person to St Peter’s throne. The African cardinals resign in protest because he is white.
- March: Queen Elizabeth II abdicates, but in favour of grandson William rather than son Charles, who agrees to relinquish his right to the throne on the grounds that he is a) a divorced man and b) would ‘probably, you know, endanger the future of the whole bloody monarchy business’. Camilla files for divorce.
- April: Kim Jong-un goes missing. He is believed to have been assassinated by ‘moderates’ within the ruling party. The new leader, named Kim No-me, invites the United States to negotiate a nuclear non-proliferation agreement in exchange for substantial aid.
- May: Britain’s Parliament votes to remain in the European Union causing Conservative Prime Minister Theresa May to resign. She is succeeded by former Chancellor of the Exchequer Ken Clark, who immediately announces that Britain will join the Euro-zone. Ms. May announces that she will join a nunnery, along with her husband.
- June: The BBC announces that it has cancelled its most popular programme Strictly Come Dancing. Riot police are called out to deal with violent street demonstrations.
- July: President Putin of Russia suffers a disabling stroke and retires from politics. A general election is called by Mr. Putin’s hitherto unknown daughter, Anastasia, who announces that she will be the only candidate on the ballot for the restored post of Czarina.
- August: President Pence resigns after admitting to sexually harassing a female Congresswoman during a Republicans-for-Jesus rally. Vice President Paul Ryan takes over, pledging to ‘Make America Sane Again’. George Clooney is elected Vice President. Ms. Clooney is named Secretary of State.
- September: Archbishop of Canterbury Welby steps down and announces that he and Pope Francis have been a gay couple for two years and will marry in a civil ceremony to be conducted by Professor Richard Dawkins.
- October: The Democratic Party announces that it will not contest the 2020 election due to the lack of qualified candidates. Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton say they will run as candidates for the Senior Citizens Rights Party.
- November: President Ryan resigns, on the grounds that implementing his ‘Make America Sane Again’ programme has caused him to have a nervous breakdown. George Clooney takes over the Oval Office and appoints Barbra Streisand as his Vice President.
- December: Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu is forced from office after CNN discloses that his grandparents were Palestinian. Peace talks resume immediately, chaired by Ms. Clooney.
My Predictions for 2018