‘Special Relationship’

The ‘special relationship’ between the United States and Britain was said to be “close to breaking point” after President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn wrapped up a series of testy meetings at the western White House in Las Vegas, according to administration sources.

A joint communiqué described the discussions as frank, fearless and entirely free of diplomatic niceties. “Neither leader pulled any punches,” said a White House spokesperson, “but each has agreed to respect the other’s position on a range of subjects not remotely important to either of them.”

The main issue of contention is clearly President Trump’s disappointment over Britain’s refusal to participate in plans for an American-led coalition force to invade Russia. Mr. Trump, according to administration sources, told Mr. Corbyn candidly: “You limeys are just a lily-livered bunch of pussy-whipped, fag-hugging pseudo-Commies. I give you a chance to recreate your empire and you chicken out”. Mr. Corbyn is said to have replied, “And you, Mr. President, with all due respect for your office, are a dangerous flag-worshipping, war-mongering neo-Fascist and the biggest threat to world peace since Hitler”.

President Trump’s undisguised anger was sparked by the British government’s recent decision, reached under the terms of a non-aggression pact between Britain and Russia, to abandon its independent nuclear deterrent. The treaty also calls for Britain to disband all of its armed forces, with the exception of those regiments based in Scotland, which was recently granted independence as the Peoples Republic of Hibernia.

Mr. Trump is said to have been even more incensed by the Corbyn government’s proposals to abolish the monarchy, which has now been replaced by an elected advisory board, the Supreme Workers Council.

“Let me tell you, I’ve met Her Majesty, the Queen,” President Trump told reporters during an informal briefing in Disney World, Florida, where he is reviewing progress on construction of a new eastern White House.

“She’s a delightful lady,” Mr. Trump told reporters, “with beautiful posture and lovely hair, like mine. Great legs, too. And I’m here today to tell you that Her Majesty is distraught. Just yesterday she called me from Parkhurst, her new residence in some place called the Isle of Wight, and begged me to intervene, militarily, if all other efforts fail. Of course, military action can only be made and implemented on the orders of the Joint Chief of Staff, my current wife. I will be speaking to her tonight. Meanwhile I have expressed my concerns to Prime Minister Corbyn about conditions in Her Majesty’s detention facility in no uncertain terms.”

Mr. Corbyn, currently in Russia meeting with coal industry executives in preparation for reopening Britain’s own mines, was not immediately available for comment, but his espousal of Britain as a republic are well known. Last week, speaking at the dedication of Buckingham Palace as the country’s biggest homeless shelter, he made clear that America should “butt out” of Britain’s affairs. “President Trump’s remarks on the former monarch, coming as they do from the leader of a country founded in revolution, are distinctly odd, as is the man himself.”

The common topic of conversation in diplomatic circles, both in London and in Orlando, is that the breach between the two leaders, if not the two nations, may be irreparable. Changes in leadership are seen as the only hope for restoration of good relations. However, Mr. Trump’s action in raising the restriction on presidential terms of office from two to twenty make that unlikely any time soon, as does Mr. Corbyn’s imposition of a legal ban on the Conservative Party.

Intense diplomatic activity continues behind the scenes, of course, and the hope is that President and Prime Minister can be persuaded to moderate their positions. At present, though, this seems a far-fetched prospect, especially in light of President Trump’s decision to cancel the landing rights of British Airways and Virgin at all United States airports in response to Mr. Corbyn’s decision to nationalise British airports, while also tripling the landing charges paid by foreign carriers from non-socialist countries.

“Yes, the special relationship is under strain,” admitted a source at Downing Street, before opening the door to admit a long line of public tourists. “But we’ve always survived these things before and no doubt we’ll survive this one as well.”