Prime Minister David Cameron, it
has been reported, left his unlocked despatch box on a train last week. Already certain sensitive documents,
including emails between him and President Obama, have emerged.
What can I say, my dear friend? I am truly, deeply sorry about the
parliamentary vote on Syria. Actually, I’m mortified. A bit of a cock-up, I have to admit. But not mine.
Who would have thought that HM’s esteemed Leader of the Opposition would
betray the country like that? (Between
you and me, I can only pray that the idiot is still there at the next the
election.) Meanwhile, I trust that this little
hiccup is not going to affect the close ties between our countries. In that context, I understand some of our
chaps over there have been excluded from certain strategic meetings. That is disappointing, because I assure you
that we have much sound advice to offer. Can I ask you to intervene? Also, it is far from reassuring that Kerry is
going around Europe praising France
oldest ally. Is this your sentiment
too? Let me ask you this: when have the
French been much help lately? Ever? Anyway, Hollande’s military will be as much help
to you as a catapult (I think you call it a slingshot). I am sure you will agree that the Special
Relationship must not, repeat not, be allowed to suffer. The world is watching with bated breath, so let
us please, please keep the partnership intact.
Meanwhile, if there is anything, and I mean anything, that I can do to make
amends, just ask for it. And bear in
mind that this thing is not over yet.
Once again, on behalf of the British voters, the Labour Party, the
unions, the press and the ten Tory MPs who were locked in a bar on the night of
the vote, I offer my profound apologies.
Be assured that it will not happen again.
To Prime Minister Cameron
Thank you for your frank message,
Prime Minister. Let me be equally candid
by saying that your people have landed me in a whole heap of trouble with my
people. May I remind you that for months
you personally and aggressively pushed me into a missile attack on Assad. Then, when the rubber hits the road, you failed
to get the measure through your own parliament.
Heads ought to roll, I would say, but that is your business. If relations between us are a little rocky
right now, then blame your lily-livered MPs, not us. The really bad part, now that the US is alone in
this – no, I’m not counting on the French – is that I have to go to the Congress. I was not going to, but what can I do without
a credible ally to back me up? My
problem, according to the polls, is that the voters over here are against our doing
anything in Syria
by a margin of two-to-one. It means that
a lot of congressmen are not going to risk their re-election prospects for what
they, mistakenly, see as some minor foreign escapade. Some of those idiots up on Capitol Hill are
actually asking what we are going to aim our missiles at to avoid killing
people. I ask you! If it is any comfort, before long I may be in
the same floundering boat as you. In
response to your concern about Kerry, be assured that I do not have prior
approval of anything he says, but you must understand that there are some badly
bruised feelings over here. Anyway,
Kerry is in London
this week to talk to Foreign Secretary Fred Haig. No doubt they will cobble together something
reassuring. We will both assuredly get
out of this mess, but meanwhile, for the sake of discretion, and just for
public consumption, we will have to put the Special Relationship on hold.
PS: I did ask about your guys not
getting invited to military briefings.
Sadly, the response was far from positive – and I might add for the most
Thanks for your candid reply, my
dear friend. I wish you well with the
Congressional campaign. I understand you
are going on television to address the nation.
What a brilliant idea! I wish I
had thought of doing something like that.
Sadly, your voters, like ours, have turned war-shy since that dreadful Iraq
business. Afghanistan has not helped. What a trial democracy can be when the electorate
cannot see what is right. But if anyone
can convince the people, my friend, you can.
If you do, I may be able to revisit the whole issue over here. Because everyone agrees that, somehow, some
day, and soon, Assad must be punished. Anyway,
good luck with the speech. Knock ‘em
To Prime Minister Cameron
Thank you for you good wishes. And just remember, you Brits owe me big time.