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Startling Conclusions

The best way to avoid a hangover is to refrain from drinking alcohol, a Dutch study has found. (This sentence is true. As for what follows, the reader must decide.)

Such is the startling conclusion of a report published by the University of Untrinken, based on interviews with thousands of students who were asked to drink large quantities of cider (which the Dutch call zuider).

The paper also dismisses such ‘miracle’ cures as drinking a pint of canine urine before retiring for the night and eating a dozen egg shells with mayonnaise for breakfast. “Contrary to the popular wisdom,” said a spokesperson, Koop van Nederboozen, “these and other measures are totally ineffective. Our finding, which is based on extensive research, involving many fatalities, is that not drinking offers a perfect solution to the morning-after problem. In fact, we like to think that it is infallible.”

The Dutch researchers have been warmly complimented for a potentially far-reaching report, one from which countless millions of citizens might benefit for years to come.

A spokesperson for Alcoholics Anonymous, who asked not be named, or shamed, described the report as a breakthrough. “If people pay attention to it, as they should, the AA might be out of business in five years, as we’ve always hoped to be.”

A spokesman for the Automobile Association declined to comment beyond saying, “This has nothing to do with us”.

An equally impressive report was recently published by the British road safety group ‘Kerb Yourself’. It revealed that the cause of death or injury in the overwhelming majority of accidents involving pedestrians was the victim’s failure to look both ways before attempting to cross the road.

In most cases, said a spokesperson, Ivor Redlight, the victims were simply distracted and therefore temporarily oblivious to danger. “We have been warning of the hazards for years,” he said. “The only solution is for the government to enact legislation requiring all pedestrians who wish to cross a road to be tested and licensed, just as the drivers of the vehicles that kill and maim them are required to be. We would also support the introduction of mandatory lollipop ladies, or gentlemen, at all traffic lights. Apart from improving safety, this would provide thousands of jobs to various potential classes of road-crosser, such as school-leavers and migrants.”

A spokesman for the Automobile Association, commenting on the report, said, “It’s not cars that kill people. It’s people who kill people”.

A spokesman for Alcoholics Anonymous declined to comment, beyond saying, “This has nothing to do with us”.

Prime Minister David Cameron welcomed the findings of the two reports. “It is high time we tackled the problems of excessive consumption of everything and the alarming incidence in careless behaviour by a few irresponsible pedestrians. The government will do all in its power to transform both these studies into a plan of action. We shall start by requiring that the owners of licensed premises implement any and all measures not to serve patrons who are plainly sober. This will better allow them to identify those customers most in need of assistance. We are also calling for a ban on any passenger vehicle that is not painted bright yellow and which is not equipped with a loudspeaker that announces ‘WATCH OUT YOU MORON’ every five seconds.”

“Working together,” said Mr. Cameron, “we can rid ourselves of these scourges, and many others, once and for all”.

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