The Dirty Dozen

Here’s a random selection of objectionable public figures I don’t wish to watch, hear or read about in 2015 but will almost certainly have to, even without the help of the Daily Mail.   We’ll call it The Dirty Dozen (British Edition).

1. Kim Jong-un.  Weird; takes pride of place.  No further explanation necessary.

2. Vladimir Putin.  We might call him Vlad the Imploder.  Some people said he ‘played a blinder’ over the Ukraine, but now everything in Russia has gone balalaika-shaped.  Keep it up, OPEC. 

3. Nigel Farage.  The leader of UKIP seeks to replace the despised Westminster political establishment with something altogether more despicable. He’s the hero of millions of chip-on-the-shoulder voters, but surely even they’ll soon see through him.  He’s certainly transparent enough.  But don’t bank on it.

4. Alex Salmond.  The former leader of the Scottish National Party is another consummate rabble-rouser.  This one cross-dresses in kilts and comes with a caber on each shoulder.  I wonder if he’s revised those North Sea oil income estimates in recent weeks.    

5. Nicola Sturgeon.  The new leader of the SNP (which apparently favours people named after fish) is cuter than her predecessor – which admittedly isn’t difficult – but my hair is all that she makes stand on end.  And she’s even more tiresomely zealous.  Who will follow her, I wonder?  Angus Trout? 

6. Ed Milliband.  The leader of the Labour Party, and notorious fraternal back-stabber, had an awkward encounter with a bacon sandwich, which if you’ll pardon the culinary metaphor may have cooked his political goose.  I hope so.  But then even his party hopes so.  He’s so pitiful he probably shouldn’t even be on the list. 

7. Russell Brand.  Comedian (unfunny), actor (incompetent) and would-be political activist (unintelligible); his only discernible talent is an unfailing ability to pull good-looking women.  He must have some hidden talent.  Whatever that may be, somehow I doubt that there’s a brain attached to it.

8.  George Clooney.  I include his painfully under-nourished bride Amal.  The handsome pair got married this year in a cringingly vainglorious celebration that seemed interminable – which only goes to prove that self-love conquers all.  If she gets much scrawnier she might just disappear from view anyway.

9. Kim Kardashian.  In contrast to Mrs. Clooney, she possesses a bottom that could dock a container-ship.  She would give idiots a bad name if she hadn’t made a fortune from being one.  All I can say is: good luck to her – and more fool us.

10. Angelina Jolie.  She seems to have replaced Mother Teresa as a saintly icon.  At least she has breasts.  Many apparently wish to adore her, though some of us would gladly send her off to Mars – a million miles closer to God – to start the first space colony for perfect people.  Meanwhile, HM has awarded her an honorary Dame-hood.  Does that make Brad an honorary Lord?

11.  Sepp Blatter.  The head of FIFA, the world’s most corrupt supervisory body in sport, is the perfect antidote in Swiss sports circles to Roger Federer.  He’s a hardy perennial on ‘hate’ lists, for all the good that has achieved.  Maybe, for a different result, we should try putting him on our ‘love’ lists.   

12. William and Kate.  We went gaga over little George and now, heaven help us, there’s another royal mite on the way.  Worse, the heir to the British throne has obviously been undergoing intensive training for his future role, as both he and Kate have become uber-respectable and uber-boring.  I’d vote for King Harry any day, except that there’s no election for royalty, yet.

There are so many more politicians and ‘celebrities’ I could mention, and may do so before the year is out.  Meanwhile, if you care to write to me, I’ll gladly provide a complete list. 

But be warned: it’s a long one.

29 December, 2014