What’s a man gonna do? I’m surrounded by dames.
Boy I’ll bet Hillary’s relieved that’s all over. That Sanders fella really scared the crap out of her. He even scared the crap out of me, that old Commie. I’m glad I’m not facing him in November. Mind you, who’s going to vote for someone that old?
There shouldn’t be dames here in our political world. Hell, they’re too emotional about everything. My new friend Vladimir Putin would have Hillary in tears in five minutes flat. Now there’s a guy I can relate to. Nobody gets to double-cross him.
No, the dames should be at home, looking after the kids, baking brownies, having their hair done, looking sexy. That’s what they were made for. Well a couple of other things, as well, if you know what I mean – and I’m sure you do.
As it is, even after I’ve beaten that cheating bitch Hillary and her sleazeball husband in November, I’m going to have to deal with that skinny new English broad, Theresa May. And that fat German Hausfrau, Merkel. May and Merkel – sounds like a law firm. They look like a comedy team. That Theresa’s got decent legs, though, even if she’s a bit flat upstairs. I wonder how tall she is.
Hey, how come neither of them never had kids? What do you reckon is wrong with them? Frigid, I wouldn’t mind betting. I mean, just look at ‘em. Mind you, looking at their husbands as well, I’m not surprised.
Of course, I’ve got to make nice-nice to both of them in public or the media will be calling me a misog …. What’s that word, Melania? You don’t know? Ask your speech-writer, she knows a lot of words – even if most of them are someone else’s. Ha. Ha.
If Melania heard me say that she’d throw a wobbly. You know how she can get, and it’s worse since that goddam speech of hers. There’s no dealing with her now. Mind you, I thought it was a brilliant effort, whatever the stupid liberal media will have you believe. Straight from her heart, even if it was someone else’s heart.
There, that’s my Melania. What a sweetheart. What a great lay.
That plagiarism charge was just so much bullshit, anyway. It was just a few lines, is all. The journalists who went after her were jealous females, of course, and I bet they were as ugly as sin. Of course she borrowed a phrase here and there. We all do that.
Well, most of us. Actually, I don’t because I want everything that comes out of my mouth to be unique. We need new thinking in this country, and that means a new dialogue. Even my script advisors don’t put words in my mouth. The words are all mine. Sometimes, when I’m taking a dump, like now, or getting my leg over, I like to think up new phrases. I’m doing pretty well so far. I challenge anyone to find something I’ve said that someone else has said before. I want to go down in history as a true American original. And that’s what the Silent Majority out there want.
And that’s why I’m going to win in November. Americans are looking for something new, something different – not recycled trailer trash like the Clintons, or shrivel dicks like Sanders. Everyone’s tired of this endless Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton carousel. Let me off, they’re telling us out there. Well, now they have a real choice: get off and come on over to the Trump carousel. It’s going to be one heck of a ride, let me tell you my friends.
Anyway, we’re off to the races now, yessiree Bob. I’m going to hand those Clintons a real good hiding. They’ve been asking for it for years. She’s a cheating, lying cow and a crook to boot. And her husband, well, he couldn’t keep his Johnson in his pants if he was wearing armour. What kind of asshole balls an eighteen-year old intern in the Oval Office, anyway? And what a fat, dumb-looking broad that Lewinsky was. If that’s his taste in broads then I feel sorry for him. Of course, it is his taste, because he’s married to one just like her.
I’ll do my balling in the bedroom, thank you – with Melania, of course. I’d better add that in case someone thinks I meant Hillary. Ugh! What a thought.
The media are already telling me I have no policies. Well, they would, wouldn’t they? Most of them wouldn’t know a policy if it bit ‘em in the ass.
And look where policies have got us. It was policies that got us in the mess we’re in today. Policies are dangerous. We’re better off without them. I’m certainly not going to start making ‘em.
Anyway, I do have policies of a kind. I have a policy to build a border fence, and I assure you, my friends, that whatever it costs and whoever it offends, we are going to build it, if I have to drive in the goddam fence-posts myself. We are going to keep those slimy thieving wetbacks out forever. I have a dream: that at the end of my first term little white children will be out playing in the back yard without having to worry that those dirty little sex fiends are not prowling around outside, and our lovely American girls will be sleeping safely in their beds at night. If you don’t think that’s a policy then just watch the fence go up and then tell me.
And I’m going to plug all the other border crossings as well, to keep those Muslims out. I don’t care if their passports don’t reveal their religion. If they look like Muslims, walk like Muslins, and talk like Muslims, then they’re goddam Muslims. When they land, we’re going to pull them aside and find out what they’re up to, and if they can’t tell us, then back they go where they came from. Or the slammer. I don’t care if they’re Shit or Sunny, or whatever. What the hell’s the difference anyway? I’ve no idea, I admit, but I’m betting most other people don’t either. Or care.
I’m not saying they’re all bad, mind you, and a man has a right to believe what he wants. But they can exercise that right somewhere else, like the middle of the goddam desert, where we can safely nuke ‘em if they step out of line. Believe me, I’ll do it.
Of course I’ll get slaughtered by the bleeding hearts for saying that, but let ‘em bleed. This country has to wake up the fact that we’re in mortal peril. Once before, we Americans fought for our freedom and we’re going to have to fight for it again. We won the last time out and we’ll win again. And if that means keeping our enemies out of our beautiful country, well that makes all the sense in the world to me. And if it means arming every citizen to the teeth, then that’s so much the better, too. I’m thinking about tax relief for gun owners. Those boys over at the NRA are worth 10 million votes – and they throw great parties.
And we’re going to protect the forces of law and order, make our streets safe again. Our cops are the finest in the world. They keep our streets safe, they protect our property, our children and our wives. They deserve our respect, and I’m here to tell you they’re going to get it. And if they have to shoot half the n….. excuse me, street trash to do it, then I’m just fine with that.
How about the economy, you ask? Well, I’m glad you did.
Well, we’re going to make America great again. And the dollar. Now, I don’t pretend to be an economist, but I don’t have to be to know that this economics business is just a lot of mumbo-jumbo that professors use to confuse everyone. Hell, even the goddam economists themselves are confused most of the time.
I’m a businessman, plain and simple, and a very good one. Like my billionaire Dad, I worked for every cent I own. I make hard choices. One of them is going to be to get rid of these crazy trade deals that put American jobs at risk. Protectionism? I don’t care what the hell you call it. And I don’t care what it does to the global economy, whatever that is. If it’s good for America it’s good for the world. Those Brits have just given the finger to Europe. Well, good for them. We’re about to give the finger to the world. America first, I say, and America for all time. Hey, that sounds good.
Let me tell you, these are policies. Real policies. My policies. And believe me I’m going to spare no expense to hire some real clever people to work out the details. Melania can help me there. She says she’s got a degree in something or other.
This running the country business is not rocket science, my friends. It’s simple. If you want something in this life, then you go out and get it – like I did. If you want something done, then you go out and do it. That was always the American way. It will be again.
America will be great again under a President Trump – and I’m here to tell you it comes with a warranty. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
Aaaargh, that feels better.