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VW’s Road to Redemption

I don’t know much about emission control devices in cars, but imagine if one could be invented for people.

It could have a wide range of applications, which can only mean more marketing opportunities.   The more the merrier, as they say on Madison Avenue.

Who would need them?

I’m just thinking out loud here, but how about people with a propensity to expel hot air? (No names no pack-drill.) And what about those poor souls who are afflicted with double-flatulence, doomed to pollute the air with puerile gibberish from one end and toxic fumes from the other? I personally know at least a dozen purveyors of endless noise and mellow fruitfulness. Make that several dozen.

These medically adapted ECDs would have to be inconspicuous, of course, almost to the point of invisibility, as hearing aids are these days, and simple to install. Thanks to tremendous advances in medical science in recent years, hearing aids are now virtually impossible to detect with the naked eye. And look at pacemakers. Once the size of alarm clocks, thanks to digitization they are now no bigger than watch batteries. Both hearing aids and pacemakers are easily installed – I think wearers can do it at home now – and readily adjusted. They can, moreover, be removed for servicing, and traded in if they start to wear out, although most, as I understand, are designed to last a lifetime.

Medical ECDs – we must dream up a more market-friendly name – might make splendid birthday or Christmas presents. The exercise of discretion would be imperative, of course, given the obvious potential for causing offence. But there is a way round that. There is a way round everything in the marketing world. The brochures and videos – what’s known in the trade as marketing collateral – would be predicated on the notion that each and every one of us needs an ECD. We all need to be constrained from time to time, not just the guilty or careless few, but every man jack (or jackass) of us. I said ‘man’ but I’m not forgetting women. In fact, women may well be the first target market for these things. I know several who would be perfect candidates for test trials. I wouldn’t even have to leave the house (I bet some of you are thinking).

Anyway, the idea is still a pupa. To convert it into a beautiful butterfly, much work will have to be done. Perhaps Volkswagen, when it is no longer making cars, might consider transferring its vast corporate resources to my idea. It could represent the road to redemption.

And at the end of it, I’m thinking, Scheissefrei durch Technik.

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