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What She Should Have Said

The following is the statement that Harriet Harman, acting leader of the Labour Party, did not make.


The Labour Party recognises that it suffered a decisive defeat in the general election, and for a great many reasons that were not anticipated before the campaign began. We must, therefore, take considerable time, preferably away from the media spotlight, to consider how best to respond to the public’s rejection of our manifesto and of our leadership.

Naturally, we will conduct our deliberations with due regard for the party’s core principles of liberty and fairness, but we acknowledge that many voters found many of the party’s positions wanting or unpalatable.

Such discussions must precede any consideration of who should now lead the party.  That is only sensible.  To rush into a leadership campaign in the immediate aftermath of the election, and before an exhaustive process of consultation has taken place, could well contribute to a result that would later be open to question and divide the party.

Accordingly, in my capacity as acting leader, I am recommending to the National Executive that the election of a new leader be postponed until November.

Until then, the party will continue to perform its duties as the main opposition party in the House of Commons.  Those changes to the front bench that we were obliged to make have been announced.  No further changes will be made pending the comprehensive review I have outlined and the election of a new leader.

The following is what many in the Labour Party are not saying.

Whose idea was it anyway to give us that idiot Miliband as leader?  The fucking unions, that’s who – them and that moronic lump McCluskey.  I always knew Ed would screw up.  Most people I know did, and more than a few of them Labour stalwarts.  Mind you, some would have accepted Groucho Marx as leader, thinking he was Karl’s younger brother.  Yes, I know he’s dead.  So what?

Anyway, who can trust a man who’d stab his brother in the back to get the job?  Or trust a man who can’t even eat a bacon sandwich without looking like a comedy act.

Now we’re about to cock things up all over again.  That stupid woman Harman is allowing a leadership contest while we’re all still staggering about like tits in a trance.  What sense does that make?   Who are we going to get this time?

Andy fucking Burnham, that’s who.  And he’s in McCluskey’s pocket, right up to his ear lobes.  Yvette Cooper?  Don’t make me laugh.  She’s so daft she married Ed Balls.

In other words, it’s the same old party, same old routine, same old bullshit.  Makes you wonder sometimes whether we actually want to win elections.

We shouldn’t be doing any of this until November.  Who knows what mad policies we’ll have adopted by then, but at least we’d have given them some thought.  Wait a minute!  Labour!  Thinking!  Asking the voters what they want?  What am I saying?

Maybe Neil Kinnock can give us some tips.  Yeah, I know he fucked up royally, too, but at least he’s old long enough to have worked out why.

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